Middle Toilet Cubicle Syndrome

Some thing's been bothering me for quite some time now, and I'm not sure how to approach the issue with you. You see the subject which I am about to talk about is of a delicate nature and involves the most intimate of activities. Loath as I am to mention the subject, today I want to talk about taking a shit. Yes, pinching a loaf, taking a dump, dropping off the Cosby kids, whatever way you want to put it.

Now my problem isn't the act itself. I, like most people, enjoy a good shit if accompanied by the appropriate reading material and finished off with a double ply sheet of Kitten soft toilet roll. However, what I do object to is having to divulge my gastronomy in the presence of other folk. No, I don't mean shitting in front of people, that's fucked up beyond belief. What I'm talking about is the modern work place abomination that is the "three trap" toilet cubicle.



Separated only by a cheap wood chip panel you now get to take care of your most intimate ablutions only centimetres from another human being doing exactly the same thing, only usually nosier and smellier. You know the saying "you think your shit don't stink"?? Well I can tell you that in comparison to some people that I've had the distinct displeasure of sharing a khazi with that that statement rings true. What you will get, depending on the day of the week or the time of the day, is a multi sensory experience which will baffle and astound you in equal measure. Firstly let's deal with the smell. On a really bad day you can be assailed by the smell before you open the outer door to toilet (the actual room as opposed to the cubicle). You're left to wonder what fucking animal died in the vicinity recently. Then you've got sight. We've all been there, you lift up the seat and staring up at you is what can only be descirbed as a mini tree trunk, lodged in the S bend. I've often wondered how the donator can walk straight after producing such a prodigious crap. Hearing. If you're unfortunate enough someone will install themselves in the neighbouring cubicle and proceed to produce a variety of sounds. You have everything from the big heave, followed by the enormous fart and little or no shit(shart), to the simpering grunt, which produces a stinking flow of shiss (half shit half piss). I'll leave touch and taste because even I'm not that fucked up.

But above all these assaults on the senses there's one thing I can't get my head around. In my workplace we have the three-trap cubicle arrangement. Now I will usually go to the one farthest from the main door if I want to take a dump. I won't go to the one nearest the door because this is the most frequently used one and usually has about half a gallon of piss on toilet seat. But I also won't go to the middle one for some unknown reason. The cubicle itself is usually fairly clean. In fact it's probably the least used one. It seems most people don't use it either. For me personally I just don't want to be near anyone in that situation, I reckon that's most people's thinking. And that's fair enough. But what about the fuckers who only go into the middle cubicle?? Who, having seen your third trap door closed and an available first cubicle go into the middle cubicle. Do they have some deep need to be close to someone?? Do they need encouragement or desire recognition of what they've produced?? Well I'll tell what I think...they're fucked in the head.

Stay out of the middle cubicle and afford us all some dignity whilst taking a shit!!

Cubaboy Triumphant

Cubaboy emerged triumphant last Friday night in the battle of internet n'er-do-well's. The bout, which took place at a temporary dwelling site inhabited by colourful inbred folk who trade in carpets and rubbish, was a one sided affair with Cubaboy dominating throughout.

"The bastard coated himself in lard and marmite and was constantly licking himself in between desperate lunges at my genitals", said Cubaboy, "he's just so desperate for man cock it's unbelievable. Either way I was wearing a cup so he would never have gotten next nor near my dick or balls. The insatiable desire for cock in his eyes really disturbed me but I turned it to my advantage and walloped the fuck outta him".

The fight was all but over inside a few minutes after The Wankster's brittle right wrist disintegrated after a mistimed lunge met with a concealed anvil Cubaboy has secreted behind a nearby caravan.

A Pikey


Cubaboy will go on to fight King of the Pikey's (WBO version) later this year in Donegal. The Wankster will no doubt continue to moan like a fucking big girls blouse and annoy all and sundry he comes in contact with.

Cubaboy Set To Fight Internet Ne'r-do-Well

The fight of the year was announced today as Cubaboy is set to fight the internet ne'r-do-well that's been posting anonymously on his blog. The fight is set to be held in a field just outside Mallafornia next Friday night and will be under full pikey rules. The contest had run into difficulty earlier this month when both parties could not agree a purse. In the end a nice black Dolce & Gobana (knock off) number was sourced and is thought to be acceptable to both sides. Setanta Sports are also said to be covering the fight on their pay-per-view service.

At the press conference today Cubaboy said "Obviously I'm delighted that this fight is finally going ahead, a lot of talk has gone on in the past but now it's time for that to stop and the fists of fury to be unleashed....by me like...not him....he'll just stand there for a while and take one hell of a pasting...before either running away crying or just falling down".

Me at the MGM in Malafornia at the press conference today

Cubaboy will be giving a huge weight advantage to his opponent and will need all his boxing nous to avoid the massive masterbatorially pumped up right arm his opponent can unleash. Cubaboy said he's not afraid to fight dirty in order to win on Friday night "Well if things get nasty I've ordered my corner to throw some gay porn into the ring, this will obviously distract my opponent who will immediately fall to his knee's and begin to wank, I'll take that opportunity to kick fuck outta him, whilst laughing uproariously and pointing at the sad state of this "man"".

Cubaboy is the more experienced fighter having won dozens of illegal bare knuckle fights against the toughest pikeys Munster has to offer. Cubaboy's anonymous opponent, who fights under the name "The Wankster", doesn't have a fantastic fighting pedigree and was last year embarrassed when he failed to beat a fly off some cow shit he was about to consume. Since then he's fought back however and with a wrist that measures 40 inches in diameter (but brittle as fuck due to constant wanking) this promises to be a very close bout indeed.

The Wankster was unavailable for comment today.

The Second Coming

Have you heard the news??? Jesus is being crowned tomorrow and he's going to stop all war, and the little children will never miss a meal ever ever again, and the global economic crisis will all be settled by next Tuesday...or such is my understanding from the world's media's coverage of Barack "Jesus" Obama's inaugeration tomorow.

Now don't get me wrong, I was as happy as anyone when he won the election, and when I say happy I really couldn't give a fuck, I just wasn't more angry. That was until the media and in particlar the Irish media (that being the media I am most familair with) starting deifying the guy. Of course you had the inevitable "Irish-if-ication" of Obama, sure he's as Oirish as a peadophile priest or small minded biggotry. We won't mention the fact that if he wasn't famous and walked down any street in Ireland he'd probably be stared at and possibly be shouted at for being an asylum seeker. But then the media really ramped the hype up saying this guy was going to be the be all and end all, he was going to fix everything. It's culminated with wall to wall media coverage of the inaugeration tomowrrow evening with top investigative RTE journalist Charlie Bird on a junke...sorry reporting on the "story". Not to mention famous Dutch band U2 performing last night. I'm sorry but if you don't pay tax in a country they should take your passport away...hey, that's what happens in America!!

I glanced at a piece in the Guardian newspaper last week that compared the presidency's of Obama (who's not actually Presidentyet ), JFK and Lincoln. Now this comparison was done by supposed "historians". I didn't bother to waste my time by reading the piece but I was reminded of something Lincoln once said regarding fooling some of the people some of the time. Well in this case it appears that ALL of the people have been fooled. Here's a newsflash....Barack Obama is just a man, and worse than that he's a politician. Politicans are by definition cheats and liars. They promise the electorate the world in order to get a really well paid job. If people really think that big money didn't buy this guy the election they are in for a really big wake up call. Do people really think that big money isn't going to want a payback?? Remember where you read it first..this time next year the world will in exactly the same position, if not in a worse position, and I wonder will people still be worshipping Jesus Obama or will they be clambering to nail him to a cross.

Reasons To Be Angry - Part 2

The second in my occasional series of rants on what makes me angry in modern Ireland...







1. Colm An Jim Jim - Radio Show or Tv Show






If you're one of the few people who have never watched television or listened to radio then don't change the habit of a lifetime now. For you see, these two media are inhabited by two of the most annoying cunts ever to grace the airwaves, Colm and Jim Jim (so fat they name him twice), or Cunt and Fat Fat as I call them. Colm's the one who looks like a paedophile and Jim Jim's the one with enough spare skin under his chins to make a separate human being. These two "jolly japsters" first came to prominence after 2fm's morning radio show was continuously and humiliatingly beaten on the radio listenership figures by the far superior Ian Dempsey breakfast show on Today Fm. RTE's solution, employee two fucking assholes that sometimes (and badly) do funny voices then get Gerry Ryan to big them up, in his sad attempt to be "cool" with the kids. I can't give you a further run down on their radio show because I refuse to listen to it. I would literally jam a stick covered in Jim Jim's shit in my ear before I'd listen to those fanny pads.



However, in a move that could only be countenanced in RTE, these pair of muppets have now pitched up on Sunday evening television fronting a game show that only the severely retarded could consider entertainment. And you know what the hook on this show is??? They use skype so an in-studio contestant can compete with a sad lonely fucker at home in the hope of winning shit. Wow, skype, what's next 3.5" floppy disks? come on RTE wow me with the amazing technology of the near past!!!! Anyway this show is so dreadful, the audience so doped up on something and autocue reading that's so bad it's almost funny.



Whether it's the tv or the radio these two abortion bucket dodging jizz rags specialize in the kind of "patronise your audience to an inch of their lives" presenting that seems to be RTE's stock and trade at the moment. Hundred and sixty quid a year for this shit???





2. The Seoiges





I am soooo sick of these two cornbeefed armed cunts now that I'm actually choking on my own rage just writing this article. They're fucking everywhere you look at the moment promotiong their own afternoon snooze along. For the uninitiated Grainne (the older fatter one) started her broadcasting life as a weather girl on TG4. She then moved to TV3 when they started blowing smoke up her arse before moving to Sky when they launched their doomed-to-failure Sky News Ireland. When that bombed she slunk back to Ireland with her fat tail between her fat legs where RTE decided to give her a hundred thousand euro a year contract for whatever vehicle they put on before the news in the afternoon. Last year the show was co-hosted by hateable brick Joe something or other. However Grainne is such a cunt to work with poor Joe

found the dole office more appealing than sharing a sofa with the gaeilgoir.

As for Sile (the younger fatter one) all she's ever been is a weather girl on TG4. Oh yes, and Grainne's sister. You see this is what RTE thinks get's all Irish men's hearts all a flutter, the idea of two sisters together...at once!! Well I've got news for RTE, two fat Irish lesbiens don't really cut it today, maybe in the seveneties but most men's fantasies are a little more sophisticated in 2008.

Reasons To Be Angry - Part 1

This is the first in my series of reasons to be angry today.





1. Barak OfuckingBama and the fucking American election.






For the the last three fucking years the bastarding Irish media have been giving near blanket coverage to first the Democratic and Republican candidate selection process and then to the election itself. Bollox Joe Duffy one day devoted an entire show to "Is Barack Obama The Most Beautiful Man In The World?". People were staying up all night watching the results come in. Ask the same people who their local TD's are and they'll scratch their dumb fuck heads and stare at you blankly for a few moments before going on to discuss America Next Top Model.





2. The X-Factor






I'm not sure if your familiar with this rubbish called the X-Factor. Well it's a faux talent show in which Simon Cowel and assorted flunkies piggy back on semi talented youngsters with stars in their eyes in order to inflate their own egos and hawk a couple of more cd's so that they can keep themselves in the plush lifestyle that they've become accustomed to. Well that's neither here nor there as it's very much a matter of opinion. But here's the crunch, the "top 12", i.e. 11 loosers and someone who does not loose have released a charridee single. All well and good, I'm not a big charity man myself but there you go. And do you know where the money is going to??? British War Heroes!!! What the fuck is a British War Hero?? Well if you live in Belfast or Bagdad it's what we call a terrorist. Now fuck the English and their cunting war criminals, but this single will be on sale in Ireland no doubt, and cunts'll go out and buy it thus supporting the cunting British army. And if you challenge them they'll look at you blankly and after a few minutes rattle on about how good looking Barak Obama is!!





3. John Fucking Gormley and the Fucking Green Party.






I used to be relatively eco friendly. That is until those dirty pinko fucks the greens got into power and started shoving there green ideas down my throat. And you know what?? It's all a scam to raise stealth taxes. They don't give a fuck about the environment, they just want your money. Next time you hear of an initiative from the greens ask yourself how much will this cost, cause cost it will. I'm starting my own Power of One campaign. I'm go to flytip one bag of rubbish every day, turn up my thermostat by one degree, run over one green party minister (if I get the chance).

What Will You Be doing This Weekend??

Ahh....so it's Friday midday and feeding time at the communal trough at my mill and quickly enough the conversations of glassed-eyed bovine workmates turns to "what'cha doin' for de weekend?". Oh what high brow question in between mouthfuls of Monster Munch and coke. A question to grapple with whilst simultaneously spraying the table with partially chewed deep fat fried chicken. No talk of man's enduring struggle with "why are we really here?", no at this swill trough there's only talk of drunkenness, planned whoring and possible drug abuse.



So you fucking factory fodder, let me tell you what I won't be doing this weekend.



1. I won't be watching the Ryder Cup

I hate both American and Europe and would like a situation where a.n. other continent could get it together to whip both of them. In fact the only good things about the Ryder Cup are the surgically enhanced wives. I find it fun to estimate how much money has been spent to make them all look exactly the same.

2. The All Ireland Football Final

Football is a game played by bullocks with little skill and even less finesse, where a shoulder to the face is considered a "great tackle" and where a score of eight points to five is considered a high scoring match.

3. Chelsea v Man United

Watch a bunch of over payed, soft as piss, pretty boys ponce about the field for a boring one all draw...no thanks.

So what will I be doing this weekend?? I'll be sanding and varnishing my front door. Because that's all I've been listening to for the last three months!!! "When are you varnishing the front door?", "Are you varnishing the front door this weekend??" and so on and so forth. So forget a weekend on the lash with my bovine work colleagues, it's a weekend of unpaid drudgery for me.

Scientists Proven To Be Full Of Shit....Again

As long time readers of this website will know I can't wait for mankind to be wiped out, or at least a huge majority of mankind. Films like Armageddon and Deep Impact really float my boat. I don't even want to tell you what happens when I watch Dawn Of The Dead or 28 Days Later. The very thought of society as we know it being obliterated is my idea of heaven.






So you can imagine how excited I was over the last few days when I got wind of an experiment that some scientists were doing in Switzerland which was guaranteed to create a black hole and fuck us all up......apocalypse style !!! Well surprise surprise like all things in my life it's turned to shit. The whole experiment took place earlier today and fuck all has happened. Not a sausage.






I decided to rise early this morning, not go into work and watch the apocalypse from the comfort of my sun deck. Two hours later I was still sitting there, slightly damp and a just a little pissed off that I, and everyone else, was still alive. So I've had it with scientists, there all full of shit. I was sold a lie when I was young that religion held the explanation for everything. As I grew up and watched the X files I became indoctrinated into believing that science was the new religion and that it held all the answers. I can now for once and for all declare that scientist don't have a clue. Like a drowning man in the river Nile they're grasping at straws. Don't believe a fucking word that a scientist tells you.



Now where's my tin foil hat.......